The Identity Crisis Of The Permanently Tired

If you are tired, you are just tired, right? You are still the same person, only tired? Except you are not.  At least I am not and I wonder if there is anyone out there suffering from any form of chronic fatigue who is.

Not only am I not the same person I used to be, my adrenal fatigue has thrown me into a full blown identity crisis. Some days I keep myself over water believing that I will be myself again. Some day. Hopefully soon. Other days, like today, I am struggling with the fact that I am not myself any more. And I appreciate that everyone changes and I actually embrace change. However, this is different. There is a difference between being a changed person or not being yourself. I suppose it has to do with authenticity and my body is not allowing me to be my authentic self.

Let me explain what I mean by that: Today I really felt the urge to go for a run. For the first time in a long time did I have this burning desire to feel the wind in my hair and rain on my face and just be out there, moving, sweating, breathing. I went for a walk instead. A short one. I have been to yoga last night and found myself being very dizzy every time I had to come up, moving from one pose to the next and I still have that feeling of dizziness today every time I get up. Plus my whole body is a little achy. So I knew that going for a run would cost me dearly.

The real Sarah loves to be active, she loves to run and she is not scared of the pain or the exhaustion. She is strong both mentally and physically and loves a challenge. She naturally pushes herself to her very limits and loves every second of it. I know that this mindset has had a role to play in my current condition, albeit a small one in my case.

Why does that cause a full blown identity crisis though? Well, words that resonate with me are things like power, strength, machine, beast, animal, unleashed etc. All very powerful, strong words describing, in my mind, very strong and powerful things or people. I am a big fan of sports such as extreme callisthenics and free running and everything that demonstrates both superior physical strength and discipline. As fit as I used to be, I never used to be able to do the kind of stuff those athletes could do, such as a human flag. Hell, I can’t even do a handstand. And yet, I felt a little bit like a part of the tribe. The crazy people that go out for a run in any weather, the ones that sign up to gruelling assault course races, the ones that can’t get enough of it. The ones that have the same feeling I do, like there is an inner beast that needs to be unleashed, let out for an epic run and roar its mighty roar.

I can still feel the roar inside of me, only when I try to let it out, it is a measly little sound, barely there and a far cry from what it once was and what it wants to be.

As you can see from this post, I am a little down in the dumps about it all today. But the little, cute video below has given me a hopeful thought: This little tiger knows that a big roar lives inside him. It comes out as a measly little sound now and people may even laugh at it. But all he needs is time and the right care and one day his roar will be so mighty that anyone who hears it will shake at the knees!

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5 thoughts on “The Identity Crisis Of The Permanently Tired

  1. Sarah – how exhausting, to be exhausted physically and then exhausted mentally thinking about it; being exhausted is a changed state, but need not be a permanent one. I returned from operations overseas many years ago; had been. ‘At it’ day after day 18-20hrs a day for 7 months. Took over 5 months to return to being 90% me. After months of ‘fighting’ the person I was I simply gave in, following the rule of 3’s. If agitated, gave myself 3 secs and then 3 minutes to not react; if puzzled by a situation, 3 minutes to think about it and then look at it again in 3 hours. In most cases by the 3 hour point the situation was meaningless and not worth the energy. Then I gave myself 3 days off, then 3 weeks and had mostly recovered back to my ‘old’ self. Had I not been through the process of giving my mind and body a break am sure I would be in a similar cycle. The hardest part was recognising that I wasn’t going to get anything done (unleashed, find the. ‘Go’ button ) until I was rejuvenated. Now life is easier, as know when to give myself a break. Oddly, I also found going to a theme park and being on extreme rides utterly energising – much to my children’s delight; not saying this is thrill seeking, but that it gave me a boost, that an going to bed early and waking at the same time everyday. So, you can find your inner tiger, but like all big cats – they take a lot of rest. Best wishes.

    1. Hi C and thank you for your comment. Well done for catching yourself early and nipping this in the butt. Overcoming my default state of pushing myself constantly has been a lot harder than the actual fatigue. It is all part of it.
      “but like all big cats – they take a lot of rest” I love that comment. Really made me think. I will bare that one in mind going forward!

  2. Reblogged this on Healthy Body ~ Healthy Mind and commented:
    I stumbled across this blog a while ago, and it’s literally like reading my own story! It’s almost spooky how close my symptoms and feelings about how things feel are to this girl! I love her posts. Such a brave and beautiful person! Definitely worth a read!!

  3. I don’t think my first message went through. Anyway, I know exactly what you’re talking about, Sarah — especially about the identity crisis during adrenal fatigue. I’ve had this for five years now. But I was only officially diagnosed since last month. Anyway, since I’ve had AF, it’s almost been like I’ve forgotten who I am. It’s almost like I haven’t grown at all as a human being all these years. With a healthy diet, though, I think I’m slowly getting better. But it’s hard. Let me know how you are doing. Send me an e-mail sometime at jackbristow22@hotmail.com

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